A Message from Sean Marks

Hello there, everyone. I know most of you hardly know who I am, partly due to my hailing from New Zealand and mostly due to Coach D burying me at he end of the bench, but I thought I'd take a moment to introduce myself and let you know my thoughts on our recent trade for Shaq.

I originally played in New Zealand and transferred to California to get some Pac-10 balling in. Which was great. Except for those crazy hippie women with all the armpit hair. That's just nasty. After that I rode the pine for the Spurs and was Tim Duncan's bitch every day in practice.

This of course became tiresome so I figured what better way to assert myself then sign with the Suns? Practices are light, Amare can be pushed around every once in a while and Coach D whispered sweet nothings into my ear about my silky soft shooting touch and his big plans for me.

Clearly, things have not gone as planned. Besides the highlight becoming an American citizen, this year has sucked and sucked hard. Like I said before, Coach D has totally buried me.

And now, to top everything off, that jackass Kerr just traded for the one and only Shaquille O'Neal. So much for my cushy job in the desert. They've already had to reinforce the rims because his fatass pretty much destroys everything he touches. Including me and that dude with the crazy goatee.

Right, right, it's awesome that he's so huge and powerful. But I'm on the receiving end of those dunks and pushes and shoves and elbows. And did I mention the sweat? SO.MUCH.SWEAT. My life is now a living hell and I spend every moment of practice looking over my shoulder, wondering if the basket support is going to come down and snap me in half.

It isn't easy being the 10th man (thanks Eric and Alando.) There's a reason Pat Burke hated all of you by the time he left. I swear on every kiwi in New Zealand I'll go on a citywide killing spree if you start cheering for me to shoot a three every time I touch the ball when I actually get into a game.

Kerr and Coach D will get it first.